On Tilt.

So I've been messing around with a new app I got for my iPhone that allows me to create tilt-shift images. For those who don't know, tilt-shift is a way to focus an image or video that results in the subject matter looking like miniature figures or toys. It's a fun tool but in the end it's completely useless. I suppose the same can be said for this blog. The results vary since I'm new at this but when they come out looking good, I can't help but laugh at the way they've turned out. Then I get to thinking that this is a great way to make you feel more important than you really are. What better way to boost your self confidence than looking down on tiny people knowing you could crush them. Crush them like ants. I have problems.

Enjoy.

(u2)

(bullet train station-tpe)

(bullet train station part 2-tpe)

(yard)

Now if I only had an app that made certain things look like they were massive.

True Fallen Hero.

In honor of NBA's opening day being a week from now, I've decided to shed some light on an injustice that has been swept under the rug like so many shameful acts before it. I'm talking about the firing of my beloved Golden State Warriors mascot, Thunder. Why was he fired you ask? Turns out there is nothing in the rules that prevent a new team from adopting the namesake of an already existing (and licensed!) part of the NBA. Now I've never met any Oklahomieans (not my homies) but I fucking hate your guts. Because of your sorry ass team's new name, we are short one mascot. And not just any mascot, the illest mascot in the business. This cat will dunk for you, shoot t-shirts at your face, serve you a pizza, then serve your ass on the dance floor. No good can come of his premature departure but I keep hope alive that he might one day return. I believe.

Enjoy. (disclaimer: this is not an enjoyable piece)

(thunder-cat)

He's semi-naked because he's been stripped of his uniform and any identifying trademarks of the Warriors. I'll see you in hell Clay Bennett.

Bonus!

Watch Thunder light Harry the Hawk up like a newport.

November Babies

This post is dedicated to my friend who decided to take pity on me. I don't know if any of you out there experience this, but October and November is a shit storm of birthdays. This tells me that parents love to get freaké in January and February. You know that saying, "When it's cold there's nothing to do but... create beneficiaries". So my gift to my friends this year was to not celebrate and give people a reprieve from the clusterfuck of events. Well my friend heard about my little plan and decided to treat me like a homeless and hungry old lady, took me in and gave me a place to celebrate. (old homeless hungry ladies love to celebrate, I've noticed) So here's to my friend. Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of what is now our birthday/halloween party (she invited 100 people, I invited 17). I feel so equal and accepted, but especially equal.

Attempt # I forget. Enjoy.

(extravaganza)

This was our party invite. You would think that I'm not getting my fair share of real estate on this piece but it's actually me in the ninja mask. My hair is pretty.

Appeasement.

Ever since the girlfriend saw the custom artwork done for a very specific friend "x", she has been requesting her own custom piece built to her exact specifications. Just recently, I came across some free time (by free time I mean I got in trouble) so I decided to work on her commissioned piece. So first a bit of background on the girlfriend's preferences. She loves morbidly obese things. That is first and foremost. Secondly, she loves those obese things to be furry. Third, she likes donkeys, which suggests to me that she likes things that look like they're retarded. Now this is all fine by me, until I start to wonder what she sees in me. I must be the largest and wooliest mentally challenged man she could sink her claws into. Judging by the stupid, fat, hairy ramblings of my blog posts, how can I argue?

Btw: Did you guys enjoy The Brain's inaugural post? He's an intense dude and there's more where that came from. Stay tuned.

Attempt #10. Enjoy.

(fat.furry.retarded.)

This is not a self-portrait!

Diamonds In The Air

This is my tribute to the one and only Jay-Z, Jazzy, Young Hov, Young, Hov, Hovi, Hova, J-Hova, Hovito, Jigga, Jiggaman, S Dot, Iceberg Slim, Lucky Lefty. Call him whatever you like, I just refer to him as "The Man". Don't get it twisted, I'm not on Jay just cause everyone else and their 80 year old grandma heard "Show Me What You Got". I've been 'jockin' Jay-Z' since the jump. Now, let me explain why. First of all, dude can spit. Period. He's hustled his way out of the projects of Brooklyn and has done more than survived. But most of all, he gives me hope. Hope that someone as ugly as this dude can do the things he's done. It hurts my brain trying to quantify it. I mean, he has had more #1 albums than Elvis! He's married to Beyonce! He was the CEO of Def Jam! He made like $40 million in 2007! Had enough exclamation points yet!? So bottom line, I see Jay's face as a type of handicap. One that he has overcome in spades. For that, he has my respect to the fullest.

Attempt #8. Enjoy.

(j)

It's the ROC!

No Line On The Horizon

I'm going to try my hand at photography. I have no training whatsoever, so just bear with me. I'm going to keep up my usage of the iPhone and try to maximize it's capacity. So far it's a great tool and while the quality is very lacking, you cannot deny it's convenience factor. This photo was taken at the U2 concert recently in New Jersey. If you haven't been to a U2 concert, then fucking go to one. Bono is... amazing. It's ridiculous that he can make every movement of his on stage look like a crazy expensive post production music video. He is the only man that I would allow to move so effeminately yet never question his sexuality. But after 3 hours with him, I do begin to question my own...

Photography Attempt #1. Enjoy.

(stagecrazy)

If you can't tell by the photograph, the stage does in fact resemble aliens playing the crane arcade game with our lives.

Twins? No.

I've been doing a lot of portraits lately, especially with all the new authors we've been adding. So I figured who else would I draw other than my best friend. (On a side note [this is important later] I'm not very good at drawing women. Don't ask me why, I'm working on it. Maybe it has something to do with this phrase that I hear quite often after sketching a woman: "Uh, is that what I look like?". Needless to say, I don't need this kind of pressure.) So I'm sketching my friend and I remember that his older sister looks exactly like him. I'm not kidding. You'd think they were twins (cue title). I saw this as my chance to finally do a portrait of a woman. Best friend's sister-if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I don't think you look like a man or anything. Fuck, I'm in trouble.

Attempt #7. Enjoy.


(shenses)

I drew a woman!!

Made To Order

Ever since I started this blog, I've been trying to get some opinions about it. Mostly, I just want to make sure it's something that people would want to see. But when it comes to my close friends, I really don't give a shit if they like it or not, their job is to love it regardless. Enter friend "x". I message her and tell her to plaster my artwork all over her T-mobile Mytouch, her twitter page and whatever she can get her hands on. She says no. Why? Because I don't have pandas on my site. Friend "x" loves pandas. So in a sense, I have to buy her support by creating a custom panda piece just for her. Here's the dumbest part: after indirectly forcing me to create a custom art piece for her, the final touch is to choose a background color. She says, "whatever the artist wants". She basically strong arms the entire project but pussies out on the background color? Thanks friend.

Attempt #5. Enjoy.

(flora)

The panda is mad because he's a fatass.

Blind Ambition

David Paterson. Where do I begin? I just recently read that The White House called this guy up apparently to pressure him to drop out of next year's governor election. To me, this is perfectly understandable. He's had a series of missteps ever since he took office. But apparently Paterson feels differently. He still wants to run. Seriously guy? Dude, I know you're blind, but you're not deaf. An approval rating of below 20% doesn't inspire much confidence. I guess when you've overcome blindness in politics, winning an election with a sub 20% approval rating looks like a dunk on a 6 foot rim. That analogy would be comforting... if only he could see the rim.

Attempt #4. Enjoy.

(sight unseen)

If only a strategically placed tooth could also fix your own warped sense of awesomeness. C'mon science!

Super. Hero.

So I've been working on this concept in my head ever since Bill Clinton made his triumphant return to the U.S. with a fist full of hostage ass in one hand and a dry martini in the other. This guy is about as close to a superhero as we're going to get. He has private jets on hand to fly to hostile nations in the cover of darkness. He seduces the evil regime leader with his silky smooth rhetoric. He sneaks out with the evil regime leader's hostage bitches before he knows what hit him. He comes home to a hero's welcome. All in a day's work. Amazing.

Attempt #3. Enjoy.


(the white-haired knight)

Let's not forget his day job as a millionaire playboy who just happens to be saving the world one initiative at a time with his own self-titled foundation. Kick-ass.

iLie, iRan

I just finished watching the Larry King interview with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I wonder how much of his own bullshit even he can't stand. Although, he doesn't seem like such a bad guy. He seems to smile a lot which I suppose is a good thing. Then I remember that someone else I'm familiar with smiles a lot too, The Joker. Draw your own conclusions. I'm just saying. I call this next one "Secret Love Child".

Attempt #2. Enjoy.

(secret love child)

Just do what Mahmoud says: don't tell anyone, and everyone will get hurt.

Pilot

Here's the idea: The majority of news is bad news. Anything that can bring awareness in a light hearted tone (or in this case, depiction) is a welcome addition in my book. I'm attempting to be an artist who has a knack for animation and a mild grasp of the world around him. I figured I'd put the two together.

Here's what the idea is not: I'm not a social commentator, I'm a social observer. There are no movements being started or stances being fought for. I just draws what I sees. So don't be that guy.

Here's attempt #1. Enjoy.

(that's my dude)

Man I hope this gets picked up for another season.