Made without Honor

Hey Team!

It's been a minute. I can see I've been missed by the non-existent outpour of protest asking for me to post again. Assholes....

Regardless! We're moving on, even if I'm the only one reading this now. Things have changed since our last meeting. Your boy has moved back to California (boooo) got engaged (yayyy) and has been working on several new projects.

This post is about non of that. This post is about my recent stint as a Maid of Honor. I hope all of you out there in the blogsphere realize that I am indeed a Guy. While I thought this was very progressive and hip of my best friend and I, the general public had it's own thoughts.

Quote from the Father of the Bride during rehearsals:

"Hey Rush, what color is your dress?"

Quote from the Brother of the Bride:

"She said gentlemen on the right, you stay over there on the left"

Needless to say, my manhood was challenged. The older guests couldn't wrap their head around a Man of Honor and insisted it was strange that there were two Best Men. Some people wouldn't even grant me the dignity of calling me the Man of Honor and continued referring to me as the Maid of Honor, or Ms. Rush. (Thank you, Dmai)

Bottom line though,

1. MOH Speech: SLAYED IT!
2. Height: I'M TALLER THAN YOU!
3. Hair: Well let's just say my hair is nothing short of amazing. Eat it!

To conclude: I killed it, so fuck off.

On Tilt.

So I've been messing around with a new app I got for my iPhone that allows me to create tilt-shift images. For those who don't know, tilt-shift is a way to focus an image or video that results in the subject matter looking like miniature figures or toys. It's a fun tool but in the end it's completely useless. I suppose the same can be said for this blog. The results vary since I'm new at this but when they come out looking good, I can't help but laugh at the way they've turned out. Then I get to thinking that this is a great way to make you feel more important than you really are. What better way to boost your self confidence than looking down on tiny people knowing you could crush them. Crush them like ants. I have problems.

Enjoy.

(u2)

(bullet train station-tpe)

(bullet train station part 2-tpe)

(yard)

Now if I only had an app that made certain things look like they were massive.

True Fallen Hero.

In honor of NBA's opening day being a week from now, I've decided to shed some light on an injustice that has been swept under the rug like so many shameful acts before it. I'm talking about the firing of my beloved Golden State Warriors mascot, Thunder. Why was he fired you ask? Turns out there is nothing in the rules that prevent a new team from adopting the namesake of an already existing (and licensed!) part of the NBA. Now I've never met any Oklahomieans (not my homies) but I fucking hate your guts. Because of your sorry ass team's new name, we are short one mascot. And not just any mascot, the illest mascot in the business. This cat will dunk for you, shoot t-shirts at your face, serve you a pizza, then serve your ass on the dance floor. No good can come of his premature departure but I keep hope alive that he might one day return. I believe.

Enjoy. (disclaimer: this is not an enjoyable piece)

(thunder-cat)

He's semi-naked because he's been stripped of his uniform and any identifying trademarks of the Warriors. I'll see you in hell Clay Bennett.

Bonus!

Watch Thunder light Harry the Hawk up like a newport.

November Babies

This post is dedicated to my friend who decided to take pity on me. I don't know if any of you out there experience this, but October and November is a shit storm of birthdays. This tells me that parents love to get freaké in January and February. You know that saying, "When it's cold there's nothing to do but... create beneficiaries". So my gift to my friends this year was to not celebrate and give people a reprieve from the clusterfuck of events. Well my friend heard about my little plan and decided to treat me like a homeless and hungry old lady, took me in and gave me a place to celebrate. (old homeless hungry ladies love to celebrate, I've noticed) So here's to my friend. Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of what is now our birthday/halloween party (she invited 100 people, I invited 17). I feel so equal and accepted, but especially equal.

Attempt # I forget. Enjoy.

(extravaganza)

This was our party invite. You would think that I'm not getting my fair share of real estate on this piece but it's actually me in the ninja mask. My hair is pretty.

Appeasement.

Ever since the girlfriend saw the custom artwork done for a very specific friend "x", she has been requesting her own custom piece built to her exact specifications. Just recently, I came across some free time (by free time I mean I got in trouble) so I decided to work on her commissioned piece. So first a bit of background on the girlfriend's preferences. She loves morbidly obese things. That is first and foremost. Secondly, she loves those obese things to be furry. Third, she likes donkeys, which suggests to me that she likes things that look like they're retarded. Now this is all fine by me, until I start to wonder what she sees in me. I must be the largest and wooliest mentally challenged man she could sink her claws into. Judging by the stupid, fat, hairy ramblings of my blog posts, how can I argue?

Btw: Did you guys enjoy The Brain's inaugural post? He's an intense dude and there's more where that came from. Stay tuned.

Attempt #10. Enjoy.

(fat.furry.retarded.)

This is not a self-portrait!

Diamonds In The Air

This is my tribute to the one and only Jay-Z, Jazzy, Young Hov, Young, Hov, Hovi, Hova, J-Hova, Hovito, Jigga, Jiggaman, S Dot, Iceberg Slim, Lucky Lefty. Call him whatever you like, I just refer to him as "The Man". Don't get it twisted, I'm not on Jay just cause everyone else and their 80 year old grandma heard "Show Me What You Got". I've been 'jockin' Jay-Z' since the jump. Now, let me explain why. First of all, dude can spit. Period. He's hustled his way out of the projects of Brooklyn and has done more than survived. But most of all, he gives me hope. Hope that someone as ugly as this dude can do the things he's done. It hurts my brain trying to quantify it. I mean, he has had more #1 albums than Elvis! He's married to Beyonce! He was the CEO of Def Jam! He made like $40 million in 2007! Had enough exclamation points yet!? So bottom line, I see Jay's face as a type of handicap. One that he has overcome in spades. For that, he has my respect to the fullest.

Attempt #8. Enjoy.

(j)

It's the ROC!

No Line On The Horizon

I'm going to try my hand at photography. I have no training whatsoever, so just bear with me. I'm going to keep up my usage of the iPhone and try to maximize it's capacity. So far it's a great tool and while the quality is very lacking, you cannot deny it's convenience factor. This photo was taken at the U2 concert recently in New Jersey. If you haven't been to a U2 concert, then fucking go to one. Bono is... amazing. It's ridiculous that he can make every movement of his on stage look like a crazy expensive post production music video. He is the only man that I would allow to move so effeminately yet never question his sexuality. But after 3 hours with him, I do begin to question my own...

Photography Attempt #1. Enjoy.

(stagecrazy)

If you can't tell by the photograph, the stage does in fact resemble aliens playing the crane arcade game with our lives.